2018 was a HUGE year for me. I saw many of God’s promises come to fruition in my life. I moved, married my best friend and gave birth to my son. My life has changed in beautiful and powerful ways. While there’s no one thing that fully defines me, these roles mean that my identity is evolving in profound ways. I’m excited to see what all of this entails.
Although 2018 was an amazing year, it did not come without its challenges that tested my faith. Looking back the Bible verse, “The trying of your faith produces patience, (James 1:3)” comes to mind. I strongly believe that nothing happens to us by accident and some things happen to develop our character.
My pregnancy got difficult around the fifth month. I went to the doctor for a routine check up and was told that I had complete placenta previa. Essentially, my placenta was not where it needed to be; instead it was dangerously close to my cervix. My doctor informed me that it could lead to a number of complications such as hemorrhaging. I was immediately placed on bedrest and told to take it easy. Before I left the hospital, a nurse told me that she probably would be seeing me again, because complete previa wasn’t likely to resolve and often led to multiple hospitalizations.
I was afraid and worried. The unknowns sounded daunting and while I developed an emergency plan with my husband, I knew I needed to exercise my faith more than ever and pray. And pray I did. I bought the book Supernatural Childbirth to help me find the words to speak God’s promises over my life. After about five weeks of bedrest we received the good news that the placenta previa resolved. Thank God he gets the final say!
The thing about exercising faith and trusting God are that you’re forced to relinquish whatever control you think you have. The truth of my circumstances meant that I learned to accept that I could not control the outcome. As a doer, who is used to seeing my actions produce results, I felt unsettled with the fact that there was nothing that I could do to guarantee the outcome that I wanted. I trusted God, but I felt afraid. How do you trust when you are afraid? You surrender. I learned to surrender. Surrendering is incredibly humbling and vulnerable. I surrendered my fears and worries and prayed to God. Brene Brown sums this up beautifully in her book, Daring Greatly,
“Vulnerability is not weakness, and the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure we face every day are not optional. Our only choice is a question of engagement. Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage and the clarity of our purpose; the level to which we protect ourselves from being vulnerable is a measure of our fear and disconnection.”
I end 2018 thankful that I learned to better engage with vulnerability and also grateful that I serve a God of answered prayers.
Here’s to a blessed and prosperous 2019.